


signs

by raffinit



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But also semi-canon compliant, F/M, References to Miscarriage, Semi-Graphic Depictions of Childbirth, Tess Lives because I say so, Unplanned Pregnancy, cross-posting from FFN because it's now banned in my country hi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 01:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13225350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raffinit/pseuds/raffinit
Summary: Tess learns to understand that sometimes, the universe makes decisions for you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posting this from my FFN account because the site is now banned in my country (???), and I'm proving to several people that I haven't entirely abandoned my old fics.
> 
> This piece takes place in the _common_ universe; after Tess is found alive in Joel's apartment about a year after they start living in Tommy's town.
> 
> Y'all should've seen this coming like, a mile away though.
> 
> The first 3 chapters are untouched, crappy writing from years ago. All chapters thereafter are new writing.

Something's wrong with Tess.

 

Her quiet is too quiet; her fidgeting multiplies, becomes anxious more than restless. He notices, of course he does - if there's one thing Tess never learned to do, it's hiding her emotions from him.

 

Try as she might; her thoughts spread across her face like paint on canvas to him.

 

She hasn’t been eating much lately; everything she puts in her mouth comes right back up in the next ten minutes. Her moods are awful, he thinks it’s maybe her time of the month, but Tess is never this strange even then.

 

Surly Tess is normal, but this...this quiet Tess...this haunted Tess...

 

It troubles him.

 

She won't say, though. No matter what angle he comes at it from - she won’t say a thing to him about it. Eventually, Tess can’t stand for his prying and stands abruptly from the couch when he reaches out to touch her. It’s nearly flinching, the way she moves away from his reach, and Joel stares at the woman with a bewildered frown. “Tess, c’mon -.”

“I need a walk,” she murmurs, before he can stand to corner her. She sees it coming; from the way his shoulders bundle under his shirt to the way his arms are braced on the couch prepared to push himself up and onwards to her, Tess knows how this game goes.

If he corners her, pins her against the wall like a backed animal - maybe she’ll give in.

She’s out the door by the time Joel’s fully on his feet.

Joel sighs in defeat, shoulder sagging as he watches the door shut, shaking his head as he rounds the couch to his bottle of whiskey. Something settles over his skin like a fine layer of dust; uncomfortable and niggling with the sensation of something just isn’t quite right, but he can’t place just what.

He rubs the back of his neck, willing the sensation away as he throws back a shot of the amber liquid, swallowing slowly to savour the burn. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, figures what to do to pass the time while Tess gets her thoughts together.

Maybe there’s something for him to fix.

She comes back a while later - two hours and fifty-two minutes later, to be exact, but who’s counting? Joel’s done fixing the faulty coffee table leg and done organizing their stash and goods for their next drop when Tess slips in through the door, standing almost guiltily by the door when Joel straightens away from the gun he’s cleaning. 

“Where ya been, Tess?” he asks immediately; doesn’t even bother to hide the way his brows pull together worriedly and disapprovingly at how late she stays out. “I was gonna come find you but I didn’t know -.”

“The roof,” she says quietly, and Joel stares at her for a moment, blinking slowly.

“You been up on the roof for three hours?”

Tess shrugs.

His brows pull lower. “Doin’ what?”

Another shrug, she starts to shift on her feet; cross an arm over her body as she stares at the scuff marks on her shoes. “Thinking.” That’s all she says to him, kicking off her shoes and one hand already unravelling the bandana from her hair.

“Hold on a second - hey.” He reaches out to her, just grazing the skin of her arm before pulling back when Tess flinches away as if he’s burned her. The concern becomes real now, and Joel steps towards her openly, taking her hand in his gently as Tess twitches at the contact.

He brushes a strand of dark hair from her face - it’s fallen over her face like a curtain; suddenly she looks as young as she was the first time they met. “Hey,” he soothes her gently, stroking her chin, running his thumb along her cheek as she glances up at his face briefly.

Joel frowns deeper at the tears gleaming there, but she looks away before he can linger on it, and instead, he steps into her space, pulling her slowly into his arms. Stroking her arms, he tilts his head down to murmur into her ear, “c’mon now, Tess. You gotta tell me what’s eatin’ at ya.”

“You gotta tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it, sweetheart.”

He feels her fingers tighten over his arm a moment; feels the tremble in her body and makes a promise to himself to break at least four major bones of the person who’s shaken Tess so. Again he tilts his head to an angle, pressing his nose into the side of her face, pressing his mouth to the corner of her lips for a split second before Tess stiffens in his hold - turns her head away from him completely.

Hurt flashes across his face, burns in his chest as he releases her slowly. “Tess -.”

“I’m just tired,” she mumbles, and brushes past Joel to the bedroom. There’s a fleeting glance backwards, as if she’s contrite, as if she’s afraid or ashamed, and she disappears into the bathroom adjoining to the room where they sleep.

Joel’s in bed by the time Tess comes out of the bathroom, paler as if the water had washed away whatever sense of self she had. She slips into bed beside without another word, curling onto her side away from him without so much as a good night.

He moves closer to her; feels the ache in his chest as he reaches out gently in the dark, fingertips grazing her cold skin. 

She cringes in the dark, curling tighter into a ball. “Please,” her muffled voice sounds small and defeated in the dark. “I just wanna sleep, Joel. Just let me sleep.”

He has no choice but to obey - another rejection and he won’t trust himself not to beg her for forgiveness for nothing. He’s done no wrong; perhaps that’s all she really needs. 

And so they sleep.

The wall between them in bed stays all through the night.

_ She wakes to agony _ .

\--------

She’s not in bed when he wakes the next morning. Even in the haze of his sleep-addled mind, Joel knows it to be strange that Tess is awake before him. She’s never awake before him, and it troubles him more as he stumbles out of bed calling her name out into the apartment.

The volume and desperation in his voice escalate before he can help himself, when Joel spots the crumpled pile of Tess’ nightshirt -  _ his  _ shirt - lying on the floor by the bathroom.

Stained with blood.

“Tess!” He’s bellowing now, searching the bathroom, barging out into the living room and kitchen. His eyes dart from space to space frantically; searching a sign - a blood trail or something - something to tell him where she is!

The front door sounds just as he reaches it, and Joel is startled backwards by the very woman he’s looking for. He feels the clench in his chest relax, he breathes out heavily in relief. “Christ, Tess! Y’damn near gave me a heart attack!”

Tess stands staring at the man, eyes wide and startled like a doe as she registers why he’s breathing so hard and half-glaring at her with pyjama pants on and his hair sticking out in every direction possible. “I’m - sorry,” she murmurs weakly, and the apology only seems to amplify Joel’s concerns for her.

“I just - I needed some air.” Her stomach cramps again, and the flash of pain - no matter how brief - has Joel on high alert.

“Where’ve you been? What happened to you? You okay?” He touches her again, and this time though she flinches, Tess accepts his affections with a reluctant silence; he pulls her to him. He sighs heavily into her hair again, even if Tess stands stiff and unmoving in his arms. “Damn it, Tess, you’re makin’ me crazy worryin’ about you like this!”

She’s pale and shaken, and Joel pulls back long enough to stare intently at the woman’s face. Something’s wrong - something’s happened. “Tess -.”

“Just leave it,” she utters suddenly, and Joel finds her pressing her face into his chest as if she might die without him near. Her fingers tighten around his arms hard, her body locks tense and trembling as he touches her and holds her close, murmuring to her gently.

She never answers his questions.

She probably never will.


	2. Chapter 2

The second time she's sure.

 

Experience and memory take away what doubts she has; the strange sensation of her body changing is familiar and strange at the same time. It’s not like before, at least. The pain isn’t the first feeling that greets her in the morning, nor the nausea - just...a strange sense of peace and content. 

 

It doesn't mean she's any less terrified.

 

The nausea starts, and Tess feels like she can appreciate the irony of the fact that it comes the same week they get a bad batch of rations. Or is it coincidence or divine intervention. Joel is none the wiser to her condition; he’s taking turns with her for the porcelain throne to stick their heads into. 

 

“How come it got  _ you  _ so bad, though?” he asks one day, while wiping his mouth with a grimace as he flushes away the leftover of their shitty breakfast. “You ate half of what I ate - and I  _ finished  _ your half for ya too!”

 

Tess feels her stomach clench at first; is he onto her? But she shrugs simply instead, handing him a glass of water. “Not all of us have iron stomachs like you do, Tex,” she tells him, and the man grunts something under his breath as he sips the rust-flavoured water.

Later in the night, with Joel sprawled restlessly beside her in bed, one arm wrapped tight around her waist; Tess wonders about the possibility of things changing for the better. It’s a fool’s dream, of course - in a world like theirs, a fool’s dream can be deadly.

But...he would be a wonderful father.

That much she knows.

What she doesn't know is how to tell him. And just like the bad batch of goods, the universe seems to settle it for her too. 

_ “You know I was thinkin'... after we get back, we can take it easy for a little while.” _

She never needs to tell him though.

The bite settles it for her.

 

\----

 

The third time, she's actually showing before she realizes. Living in Tommy’s town has been something between having a semblance of a normal life, and not so much. They have jobs now; things to do and places to be for a good part of the day, and Tess seems to revel in having things to do now.

She’s a leader and a doer; sitting around has never really been something to her liking. By the time a year rolls by, Tess holds similar fear and respect of the townsfolk - some even like her. Whether it’s for her stunning personality or her cold-blooded (and highly effective) skills at combat and leading, Tess has good standing with the people, and even Maria too.

Having so much to do leaves very little time for Tess to think about herself or the things her body’s going through. The nausea doesn't happen aside from a strong dislike to the scent of smoked jerky, though she's acutely aware of the discomfort in her middle.

She's not showing by much, but she's certainly a lot firmer in the middle than she should be.

Her temperament fluctuates as much as the shadows of the sun.

A badly cut slab of meat dissolves her into tears; a kiss on the cheek from Joel makes her jump him like a rabbit in heat.

A hug goodnight from Ellie makes her hold the girl close and never want to let go.

This is real. Once and for all - and she doesn't know what to do about it.

\-----

 

Joel stares down at the squirming bundle in his arms, cradling it gently to his chest as he moves the swaddling cloth aside to peer keenly at the infant’s face.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Tommy says, laying a hand gently on his brother’s shoulder as they both stare down at the newborn; with her mother’s eyes and her father’s nose. 

“Yeah,” he breathes, and Joel shifts the baby in his arms as tenderly as he can, turning to Tommy with a strange melancholy smile. “She’s gorgeous.” The words seem caught in his throat, but Joel musters what he can of a smile, and hands the baby to his younger brother. “Congratulations, lil’ brother. You’re gonna be a great dad.”

It hasn’t been a secret that Tommy and Maria have been trying for a baby; it’s just something that they never think to bring up on a regular day because it puts a strange look on Joel and Tess’ faces when they do. They remember sharing a look on the day they told Joel and Tess about their pregnancy, of the way Joel’s eyes seemed happy but his smile sad, and the way Tess seemed terrified for them. They thought of the early days of the outbreak; of the loss that’s made Joel into who he is today.

Tommy shifts his daughter in his arms, already so very in love with the life they’ve brought into the world. “We’re thinkin’ of namin’ her  _ Hope _ ,” he informs the man, who stands back with his arms folded like an armour. 

“S’a good name,” Joel murmurs dutifully, even if he doesn’t feel it personally. He wouldn’t put such a title on his child -  _ hope  _ for a better future.  _ Hope  _ for humanity.

He already has one kid with that title.

Maria rests in the bedroom, asleep from the hours of labour from the previous day. Ellie and Tess appear after a brief visit with the new mother; the teen bounds up to Tommy with brightly eager eyes and an almost giddy grin. “Can I see her?” she asks, and Tommy laughs quietly before obliging the girl, angling his newborn daughter down for her to see.

“Whoa,” Ellie gasps, and resists the urge to poke at the baby’s chubby cheeks. “She’s so tiny!”

Tommy chuckles. “Yeah well, her Mama oughta be thankful she’s small. Our Ma used to tell us ‘bout how Joel weighed ten pounds comin’ out.” He grins when Joel rumbles a denial of the story, though Ellie can’t seem to wrap her mind around the fact that something that weighs ten pounds can fit out of...places.

They’re all too busy with the baby to see Tess pale somewhat.

Ellie chews on the corner of her lip, eyes darting anxiously from the baby to Tommy, hesitant. “Can I...can I try to hold her?”

Tommy’s eyes soften down at the girl, “of course.” 

“Here,” Joel reaches out, shifts Hope into his arms with such a gentle, affectionate ease that it makes Tess’ heart clench. The sight of the baby in his arms - the way his eyes warm and his mouth curves into something so...innate makes her wonder, even if for a bare second of the day. 

“You gotta support her head like this,” he lowers the baby into Ellie’s arms, smiling fondly at the awestruck way the teen takes such careful steps in nestling the baby into her elbow. “Now, let her sit on your elbow - just like that, that’s right - and you gotta support her butt with your other hand.”

“There,” he says finally, stepping back with a small, proud smile when Ellie stands by herself; Hope safe and nestled in her arms. “You’re a natural.”

Ellie beams at them both, turns to where Tess stands a good distance away from them. “Tess, look!” she says quietly, to keep from startling the baby. 

Smiling from the corner of her mouth, Tess nods at the girl; won’t admit to her that Ellie would make a good big sister. “Lookin’ good, kid.”

Joel steps back, half a smile on his face but a curious look in his eyes. “C’mon over here,” he calls to her, waving her over to him as she seems reluctant to obey. He meets her gaze with a gentle but curious look, until Tess hesitantly steps forward; pulling her into his side. 

“Y’alright?” It’s a quiet murmur, barely discernible to anyone but her, and Joel presses his mouth to the side of her head as she nods slowly at him. He runs a hand along her arm gently, squeezing the bony edge of her shoulder as the woman stares almost trance-like at the baby in Ellie’s arms.

Tess inhales slowly; her fingers squeeze gently into his shirt as she summons the courage to look him in the eye. 

She smiles wanly. “You uh...you ready to be a dad again?”


	3. Chapter 3

He stares at her, wordless, stunned, terrified. “W-what’s that now?”

Tess feels her fingers twitch nervously; she bites down on the inside of her cheek and suddenly she’s staring up at him with the same look in her eyes when she’d been bitten. Now though there’s so much more than sadness - the fear is the same, but therein lies the uncertain excitement in her hazel eyes.

Joel can feel his eyes growing wider when he processes what she’s saying; processes why she’s been acting so strange lately - he stares down at her stomach. He reaches out, hesitating as his fingers brush the soft span of Tess’ skin; spreading out wide over her stomach until he feels it there, and wonders how he could’ve missed it.

A bump. Barely big enough to tell through clothes, but it’s a bump.

A baby.

 _Their_ baby.

“Wh - How -.” Tess spares him half of a smirk at his sputtering, though her eyes narrow with something other than amusement and fill with something other than an attitude.

“Well damn, Joel; if I have to explain to you how this happened -.” She doesn’t get to sass at him for much longer, when he’s crushing her to him and kissing her breathless like it’s the last he’ll ever kiss her. She wraps her arms around him tight, tugs at the hair on the back of his head out of habit, and vaguely Tess can hear the sounds of Ellie and Tommy gagging - she can’t care less about them.

When he pulls away, they’re breathing hard, and their eyes hold for a moment before something seems to click, and they’re grinning at each other like idiots over nothing. Joel rumbles in his throat, presses his forehead to hers like a contented bear; Tess purrs against him like relieved, pleased cat - his hand spreads over her stomach again, lovingly.

“So,” he murmurs to her, and Tess remembers now the feeling that comes from the base of her spine at the sound of his voice. “A baby, huh?”

Tess nods, presses her forehead to his like a cat as her body warms to his touch; she wonders how he’ll hold her when she’s as big as a house. She breathes out, it shakes a little more than she’d like. Her eyes flit from his chest, his neck, his face where she finds his eyes again, and bites the corner of her lip with an uncertainty that’s only ever there for Joel to see. Her brows lift somewhat, a sad little hopeful gleam in her eyes as she grips his arm in her hand.

“That okay?”

He almost laughs out loud. “ _Okay_?” he echoes, and shakes his head incredulously at the woman in his arms. Sometimes he doesn’t quite know what to do with her, but he pulls her in for another kiss anyway; and pulls away only after he gets a whimper from her throat.

His voice is low, husky and rough when he mumbles at her again, but she can’t mistake the happiness in his words. “That _okay_ enough for you?”

Tess grins, and it’s just then that Tommy reminds them that they’re not quite alone. “Hey now - you plannin’ on tellin’ us what you’re suckin’ faces about?” he rags at them, and Joel turns them both to Ellie and his brother, where Ellie stands holding Hope in her arms still.

“What?” Tommy drawls, eyeing them in mild amusement. “Y’all married now or somethin’?”

Joel chuckles, squeezing his arm around Tess’ waist as they both turn to Ellie. He smiles softly at the girl; feels Tess brush her fingers against his skin. “No, not married -.”

Tess smirks at them, nestled under Joel’s arm. “Guess you’re on double diaper duty, huh, kid.”

 

\----------

 

People take to her pregnancy better than either of them do.

Ellie can barely restrain the urge to run around town telling everyone, and for the most part - she does just that.  Tommy and Maria are just as pleasantly surprised as the expecting pair, and figure it best to hold a double celebration for Hope’s birth and Tess’ pregnancy that very night. They can’t afford to splurge extravagantly anyway, and eventually Joel convinces Tess of how rude it’d be to decline, and so they bear it.

“There’s much to celebrate,” Tommy insists; as he watches Maria cradle their daughter to show the adoring townsfolk. Hope gets a cousin to grow up with, and the unspoken truth is that Ellie gets to be a big sister to them both. “It’ll be good for the girl to be doing something other than learning how to kill and hunt and guard.”

The townsfolk congratulate and celebrate with them; Tess even braves the dinner big enough to feed the whole town without alcohol, and Joel makes it a point to keep his arm around her waist and his mouth pressed to her skin all through the party to tell her how impressed he is with her self-control. Of course, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t sometimes wave a bottle of home-brew in front of her, but Tess gets her revenge every so often with a hard slug to the gut when he’s got the bottle tipped to his mouth.

He goes to bed with a beard full of home-brew lingering in his scruff, and they realize in the next five minutes of him trying to kiss her in bed that home-brew steeped beard is the only scent to trigger Tess’ gag reflex.

For the rest of her pregnancy, they make a deal - Joel keeps his beard neat and trimmed, and Tess won’t send him outside to cuddle up with Bear whenever he drinks.

When she starts growing out of her clothes, she takes his. There’s no permission to give; he comes home one day from hunting with Tommy and there she is - dressed comfortably in his shirt two sizes too big for her still, and smirking at him from the doorway of their home.

It’s not as if he would’ve denied her in the first place.

The welcome home he gets that night makes up for his depleting stash of shirts just fine. And in the middle of the night, when Tess is nestled into his arms glowing and purring in the afterglow, they feel the baby kick for the first time.

She gasps in the dark, and it has him awake and alert in a blink as his arm reaches out for his gun by the nightstand on instinct. She takes his hand instead, guides it down to the small curve of her stomach, whispering eagerly to him in the darkness. “Here, here.” She presses his large hand to her skin, shifting closer until she has it in the right place; her eyes gleam in the dark up at his face with a mixture of petrified excitement and annoyance.

The baby kicks again, and this time they’re both gasping.

“Damn,” Joel breathes, and Tess mimics his sentiments when the baby kicks again, right into its father’s palm. “He’s a strong fella, ain’t he?” he marvels, and pulls the woman closer to him for a better grasp of her stomach. Leaning down to her, Joel presses his mouth to Tess’ stomach, ignoring the woman’s jab about leaving beard burns as he kisses her skin gently.

“Settle down now,” he soothes the baby, palming its mother’s skin - lulling them both to sleep. “Bet you didn’t like Mama and Daddy rollin’ around like that, huh?”

Tess smacks him upside the head, and Joel chuckles heartily at the woman; palming her skin still. “We weren’t rolling around, and _you_ started it with all that grabbing you did at dinner,” she retorts, scowling at the man when he kisses her stomach again, and smirks at her in the moonlight.

Joel grins openly at her, unrepentant. “I’m allowed to enjoy my baby mama, aren’t I?” He ducks away when Tess starts beating at him earnestly, sputtering indignantly at him. They tussle around in the sheets a little, until he thinks it’s much too late to be starting again, and pins her easily beneath him on the covers.

“I am not a _baby mama_ ,” she huffs petulantly, and Joel rumbles a chuckle in his throat before he kisses the pout away from her mouth.

“You’re havin’ my baby, ain’t ya?” he murmurs against her lips, grinning when Tess smacks him across the chest. “Doesn’t that make you my baby’s mama?” He teases her with his fingers prodding at her side, hard enough to have Tess jolting in his hold, and grins wider when she swears at him into a painful castration. In his chest though there lies a soft, warm sort of ache.

He wishes of a time when the world isn’t half as destroyed - of a time when he can drive Tess to doctor’s appointments, sit by her and hear their baby’s heartbeat and see how it grows inside her. He thinks of a time when he can drive out in the middle of the night for her cravings; when getting her peanut butter or Chinese food and pickles was as simple as driving down the street.

Now, all he can do is smile at her apologetically when Tess tells him she misses the taste of peanut butter and easy Mac together.

He palms her stomach again, pressing a kiss to the side of her face wistfully.

_In another time, I’d call you my wife._

"Hey." He jolts when the cool palm of his hand touches his face, and Joel blinks as he stares down at Tess' face in the moonlight; the way she cups his cheek with the frowning pull of her brows that's always mixed with a strange form of uncertainty and affection whenever they're lying in bed like this. Tess tilts her head at him, smiling somewhat sadly when the man musters a small smile for her."Where'd you go, big guy?"

Shaking his head slowly, Joel takes her hand in his, kissing the inside of her palm almost reverently before he's pulling her close to him; cuddling her under the covers. He sighs quietly into her hair, pulling her to his chest and wrapping his arms around her stomach protectively. Her hands settle over his, squeezing gently, and Joel kisses the side of her face with a soft wistfulness.

" _Nowhere you oughta worry 'bout, sweetheart. I'm right here with you."_  


	4. Chapter 4

He thinks about it, days and weeks and months after. 

When Tess is almost too big to walk, hates everything that has to do with him, and wants to eat stranger and stranger things that pains him to know that he can’t give her; he sits outside with Bear, sips his home-brew and worries at the little trinket in his hand. 

“‘s the right thing to do, ain’t it, boy?” he mumbles, and Bear wags his tail agreeably at him. He doesn’t know why he’s trusting a dog of all things as a second opinion, but Joel twirls the little ring between his fingers. It’s not something perfect and flawless and fitted with white gold or diamonds, not even something that might even fit her fingers. Tess has such thin fingers even when she’s pregnant, but he fashions it into a little necklace; leather from his own belt, stripped thin and woven into a pretty thing for Tess, and Joel finds himself sweating nervously at the mere thought.

She’s having his baby. 

It’s not the right thing to do. It’s something he’s wanted to do for a while now. 

He pushes himself upright off the porch, giving Bear a heavy-handed scratch on the head as he puffs out a breath. He stares up into the lit doorway of the house; the screen door with its slightly off-kilter pane, the sound of Ellie moving through the kitchen for something to chew on before dinner. 

He clutches the ring tight in his hand for a moment, glancing down at Bear. “C’mon boy,” he murmurs, slipping his hand into the pocket of his jeans. “Let’s get some steaks on the stove.”

 

\------

 

“I hate you,” Tess growls, eyes cutting into his face with a withering glare as soon as he steps back into the house. Joel pauses in the doorway, blinks away the surprise, and puffs out a breath. 

“I know, hon,” he says patiently, one hand brushing against his pocket. “‘s only for a little while longer, Tess. Baby’ll come soon enough.”

Tess lets out a longsuffering sigh, stepping away from the kitchen sink with one hand pressing hard into the small of her back. Her brows pinch together tight at the burgeoning ache. It's been bugging her most of the day. She’s  _ huge -  _ at least she feels like it, she can barely see her toes on a good day, and every time she sits down she has to get an entire working crew to haul her back up. She leans back against Joel gratefully when he comes to her, feeling the solid warmth of his chest on her back as he curls his arms around her.

“‘s okay,” he murmurs, pressing a small kiss into her hair. He strokes one hand over her belly, pressing gently over where he can feel the baby’s knee or elbow poking out. “Baby’s just gettin’ restless. ‘S just rollin’ around, can’t wait to meet its Mama, ‘s all.”

She chuffs, bumping her head into his chin softly. “If your baby wasn’t so dang big, it wouldn’t be a problem.” She swears that the baby’s going to be ten pounds when it comes, just from the way the little one kicks and stretches and sticks its knees into her kidneys. Joel had told her once that Tommy had come out ten pounds, and Tess feels her stomach clench at the thought of splitting down the middle for a mammoth baby. 

Joel chuckles low in his chest, squeezing Tess in his arms. There’s a certain amount of pride in his voice when he nuzzles into her hair next, murmuring thick and crooning. “Reckon our baby takes after its old man, fillin’ you up all big and everything.”

“Okay, alright.” Tess elbows him hard, pulling out of his grip with her cheeks growing hot. Joel laughs quietly, reaching to squeeze her arm gently before moving over to the stove.

The steaks are just about ready for the table, mashed potatoes on the side, when Tommy appears through the screen door. He taps against the glass. “Hello in there,” he greets them, smiling at the sight of Ellie setting the table and Tess helping Joel plate up the steaks.  He pushes the door open with Joel's permission. “Didn't mean ta interrupt dinner - I couldn’t get y’all on the radio.”

Joel waves him off, setting a plate of steaks on the table and wiping off his hands on a dishtowel. “Naw, ‘s fine. I think I had it off this afternoon; Tess was tryna nap.” 

“Are you stayin’ for dinner?” Tess asks, reaching to pull out another plate, but Tommy shakes his head.

He shifts uncomfortably on his feet, glancing from Tess to his elder brother, giving the woman a thin, if somewhat guilty smile. “Naw, I just - there’s some things I needta ask of Joel.”

Tess shares a look with Joel, dubious and suspect, but Joel lays a hand on the small of her back, murmuring to her gently to  _ go ahead, I’ll be right out _ . She huffs, but relents, and moves off to the dining room with Ellie. Alone with his brother in the kitchen, Joel keeps his eyes on Tess until she rounds the corner and disappears before turning back to Tommy.

He jerks his head at the screen door. “Let’s go outside.”

“I’ll cut to the chase,” Tommy says as soon as the door is shut behind them. “I’m short of a couple men for tomorrow’s trip. After what happened with Francis…” he trails off, and Joel nods grimly at the memory; the last trip they’d taken into the closest town had come with a loss they hadn’t expected. They weren’t prepared for an ambush, and it had cost them a life. “We wanted to get our most skilled hunters and trackers to go this time.” The look in Tommy’s eyes is somewhere between teasing and bitter. “I reckon you’d have more experience with dealing with these Hunters than any of my men.”

Joel's lip curls distastefully. “You needta train them better then.” He blows out a breath through his nose, pulling his arms up to rest on his hips. “That’s not some easy favor you’re askin’ of me,” he tells Tommy, turning his head back to the house with a troubled look on his face. “Tess’s gettin’ close to bein’ due.”

“I understand,” Tommy says gently. “But I’ve talked with Maria, and she said she’ll stay here with your girls until we get back.”

Joel presses his lips into a thin line. The ring in his pocket burns a hole against his thigh, and he shoves both hands into his pockets. “How long’re we talkin’?”

Tommy shrugs his shoulders, holding up his hands like a scale. “Could be a couple days, could be a week,” he admits. “It’s figurin’ out how far we need to go to push the Hunters off from the town, and gettin’ any supplies we can. The storm’s comin’ in, and we can’t risk being understocked.”

“That ain’t exactly reassurin’,” Joel bites out, but Tommy shrugs again, unapologetic. He feels a rise of irritation bubble in his chest; he doesn’t remember ever making Tommy do anything of the sort when Maria was having Hope. In fact, he sure as hell remembers pulling all that extra weight with Tess when Maria got too heavy to stay on her feet for too long. 

But if he goes, he might stand a chance at getting more things for Tess. For their baby. They can do with more supplies for the baby. Things between him and Tommy aren’t great - they’re certainly better than when Tommy had left Boston, but too much has happened between the two of them to live and let die.

Still, if not for anything else, then for Tess and their baby, he lets the festering anger subside.

Before long, Joel heaves another sigh. “Fine,” he mutters, but before Tommy can show his relief, he pins his brother with a hard glare. “But if anythin’ happens to them while I’m gone, it’s on you.”

Tommy sobers, meeting his brother’s gaze with a nod. “I can deal with that.”

“Yeah well,” Joel sighs, turning back to the house. “Let’s hope she can deal with it, too.”

 

\------

 

Tess stares at him incredulously. “You what?”

“It’s just for a couple days,” Joel begins, stroking her shoulders placatingly. “They need the extra men, and I can get more supplies.” They’re bedding down for the night; Joel had managed to get Tess to sit through dinner without much prodding about Tommy’s sudden arrival, but now with Ellie sent to bed and settled into the privacy of their bedroom, Tess has free reign. “It won’t be for long, sweetheart.”

“Kirk was on the wall today,” Tess tells him, her voice hard and almost accusatory. “He said the clouds are moving close. The storm’s comin’ our way and you wanna go gallivanting out through the town?”

Joel reaches down to frame her belly in his hands, caressing the warm globe of where their baby sleeps, but Tess jerks out of his reach. “Tess,” he sighs.

She shakes her head jerkily, a sharp look in her eye when she looks at him. She folds her arms over her belly, brows pulling tight as she reaches down to rub over a spot just under her ribs. “You’re gonna get yourself killed out there.” It’s one thing to go out patrolling through the forest - what the hell is she going to do if he gets gunned down by those Hunters, or lost in the storm?

The baby kicks her, hard, and Tess perches herself shakily on the edge of the bed. Joel moves to her worriedly, hand outstretched, but she presses her lips together tightly, jerking her head at him. She rubs a hand over the swell of her belly, pressing against where she can feel their child’s elbow jutting from inside, soothing the little roiling ache inside her until the baby settles listlessly.

“You've done enough favors for Tommy.” Her eyes flash at him - hazel and sharp, the flecks of amber gleaming. “When Maria was so close to being due, we were the ones who picked up the slack, remember? We were the ones telling him to take a break and be with his wife and he comes back around and does this -”

He holds out a hand between them again. “I know, sweetheart, I know. I just -”

“No, you don’t fucking know,” she snaps, eyes blazing. “You don’t fucking have a clue what it’s like to be fucking pregnant and sitting useless wondering if your baby’s daddy’s gonna just - end up - fuckin’ -” she looks away, working her jaw into a slow, hard line. Tears swell beneath her eyelids and bile pushes up into her throat, but Tess forces it down with a tight swallow. “If you don't - come back -”

“I'll always come back.” It’s immediate, instinctual. A truth that runs deep in the blood running through his veins, in the depths of his core. He’d left her once before; he’s never doing it again. “Can't ever leave you, Tess.”

Her hand reaches up to ghost over the jagged, raised scar of her bite, fingers barely skimming the skin before she drops it abruptly. Cheating death has been a constant in their lives for as long as she can dare to remember; she’s come too close to Death’s doorstep to be comfortable with it. But this is so much more than knife wounds and gunfire and broken bottles. At least those deaths would’ve been instantaneous - would’ve ended things in a fraction of a second, instead of this uncertainty. Childbirth shouldn’t be more terrifying to her than being held at gunpoint. Bringing her baby into the world shouldn’t be the thing to keep her awake at night in a cold sweat. 

Battle wounds are so easy to heal. 

She likes the odds of a knife fight more than she likes the odds of her giving birth safely. 

She curls her lip. “You're planning on leaving me right now.” She doesn’t wait for him to respond, only turns untucks the covers on her side of the bed and crawls under it. It’s harder for her to sleep on her right side now, so Tess forces herself to lie on her left side, facing Joel. The silhouette of him in the low yellow light casts across the room, encompassing and dark.

She tucks a pillow under the curve of her belly and between her legs, pressing her face into the lumpy pillows. Watches the way his shoulders sag and slouch as he sighs in defeat; hears the shuffle of his feet against the carpet as he settles into bed beside her. 

He rolls over and looks at her, a million words caught in his throat and pouring through the wide sincerity of his eyes, but Tess closes hers to keep herself from looking at him. Swallowing the growing lump in her throat, she manages a soft, aching whisper. “Don't - leave without waking me, okay? At least let me say goodbye this time.” Against the pillow, she feels her fingertips tremble, the ache of something unspoken spreading into the tips of them, and she curls them tight into the cool surface.

She’s scared. She’s allowed to be, isn’t she? It’s not like she’s done this before.

The warmth of him presses in beside her, his arm coming around to cradle her belly as he presses his lips to the column of her neck. “I’m gonna be fine, hon.” His breath is warm against her skin, but Tess feels the chill seeping into her bones. “I’ll always come back.”

In the quiet of the night, her voice carries like the wind through the leaves. "My mother died giving birth to my brother."

When Joel's eyes open to look at her, Tess is already turned away from him. 

She dreams of open graves and empty cradles.


	5. Chapter 5

She stands at the end of the path, watching Joel saddle up his horse with clear disapproval in her eyes as she braces her hands under her belly. Ellie leans against her arm, forcing sleep-heavy eyes open as she rests one hand gently on the globe of Tess’s belly. They say nothing to each other or to Joel; there really isn’t much to say at this point. It’s not like they can convince him to change his mind.

Eventually he sighs, pulling away from the horse with a soft pat on its saddle. “Tess…”

She looks away stubbornly, her jaw set in a tight line as Joel comes to stand in front of her. Her eyes glower at the wilting wildflowers as he stoops slightly, searching her face with pleading eyes.

“Tessa.” It’s as close to a beg as she’ll ever hear from him; not anywhere outside of the bedroom, at least.

She folds her arms tighter around her belly. In the cool morning breeze, she almost wishes she hadn’t thought to put on his flannel, but it’s the warmest and softest thing they have. The familiar texture of it, the smell of him lingering in the very threads of it - she keeps her eyes steadfast on the ground, grinding her teeth hard.

He reaches out to touch her arm, and Tess jerks out of his reach, but Joel persists until eventually, Tess holds herself reluctantly still for him to grasp her elbow. “You’ll be fine,” he says, his voice in a low, soothing murmur. His fingers stroke along the skin of her forearm, reaching to squeeze around her wrist gently. “We’ll be fine. It’s just a couple days.”

When she finally lifts her gaze to his face, it’s with a hard glare and a sharp jab to the chest at him. “Don’t get fuckin’ killed out there, you hear me?”

He nods seriously, and Tess allows him to press his lips against her cheek. “I’m gonna come home,” he murmurs gently. “You’re gonna be fine. And then me and you, we’re gonna have ourselves a baby, yeah?” He squeezes her hands as he steps back, regarding Ellie with a warm look.

“You keep outta trouble while I’m gone, y’hear?” he says, ruffling her hair.

Ellie ducks her head out of his grip with a smile, shoving him in the arm. “Don’t get lost out there, old man.”

“I’ll be back before you know it.” He shoulders his pack, and with one last lingering look, he turns back to his horse. 

Ellie loops her arm into Tess’s, leaning against the woman slightly as they watch Joel slowly disappear down the hill. She squeezes the woman’s side gently, peering up at the disquieted look on Tess’s face. With one hand, she gives Tess’s belly a soft pat, smiling at the older woman as she tugs them back to the house. “Come on. I got those wild onions from Mrs. Kim yesterday. We can make those mushroom omelettes you like so much.”

Tess sighs, reluctantly turning on her heels back up to the house.

 

\---------

 

 

The first couple of days pass by uneventfully. The town is too caught up with prepping for the coming storm, gathering and storing everything they can get their hands on. There’s a bit of a hubbub about how they split the grain and milk down equally, but Maria shuts that shit down quickly enough. Tess doesn’t focus much on the drama going on in town -- her mind is too occupied with imagining what Joel’s doing in that moment. Has the downpour started in town? Was he in the middle of shooting down cold-blooded scavengers or infected? Was he down on the ground punching skulls in and blowing holes into stomachs? 

Was he down on the ground, pinned on slippery mud and slick with rain, struggling to get away from gnashing teeth and decaying flesh?

She blinks hard, shaking away the image of rotting teeth and splitting skin.

It’s a persisting kind of ache. 

Low and festering; like muscles that can’t quite remember how to lock together and work. It starts low in the base of her spine, lingering like a sore tailbone from sitting around too long. Tess hefts herself up onto her feet, swaying briefly when her vision tunnels. She blinks hard, shaking off the buzzing lightness behind her eyes and wanders the house in search for something better to do with her time. Through the window in the kitchen, she can see the shape of Ellie puttering around in the garden and by the toolshed. The shadow of Bear’s hulking form trails her faithfully, sitting at her feet and watching as Ellie places little logs on the chopping block to take a swing at. 

If the storm’s going to run through town, there’s no guarantee with the way the power will hold up. 

Firewood is their most precious commodity at this point. 

A sharp twinge jolts her where she stands, and Tess hisses as she braces a hand where the pain is travelling along her back. Her other hand grips the kitchen sink tight, grinding her teeth down hard as she wills the ache to pass. The baby feels heavier now - more substantial than before with the way she can almost feel exactly where its head and shoulders and knees are. Something solid and bony presses viciously into her spine, and Tess nearly doubles over from the shock of agony that lances through her.

“Tess?”

She whips her head up in surprise, puffing out a harsh breath when she catches sight of Ellie standing in the doorway of the kitchen, hovering anxiously. 

“Are you feelin’ okay?” Ellie asks, moving quickly to her side and resting her hand worriedly on Tess’s arm.

Tess nods once, gritting her teeth hard as she straightens up with some effort. “Yeah,” she says, winded. “Just - caught me off guard there for a sec.” She looks at Ellie and gives her a strained sort of smile. “Kid’s getting too big to stay in there for much longer.” Gingerly, she pats her belly and tries to forget about the almost spiteful hurt that lingers.

Ellie eyes her dubiously, brows pulled low and lips curved into a frown. “You sure?” She glances down at Tess’s swollen belly, reaches down to give it her own little pat. “Maybe the baby’s tellin’ ya something.”

“Yeah well, I get the message clear enough,” Tess sighs, peering outside disconcertedly. “Baby wants something to eat and somewhere else better to be than inside me. That, and gas.” Her belly tightens briefly; an odd rippling sensation she’s never felt before, but Tess rubs it away dismissively. 

She reaches out for Ellie’s hand and squeezes it, tugging the girl along. “C’mon. We should get as much outta the vegetable garden before the rain starts coming down.”

Ellie presses her lips together, but trails after the woman begrudgingly. She helps Tess bend achingly; eases her down into a comfortable sitting position among the growing broccoli and eggplant. Tess leans her legs off to the side to ease the cramping sensation gathering in her thighs now, and begins to busy herself with plucking off the vibrant vegetables to store.

It’s a quiet affair between them for the most part; Tess focuses on carefully trimming off green stems and gathering the young broccoli leaves to cook down in fat. Cooking is only a recent thing she’s learned to appreciate - Joel’s good with his meat, but the only way he seems to like his vegetables is cooked down with enough butter to kill them. Ever since the cravings started kicking in, Tess has discovered a profound appreciation for vegetables she hadn’t seen in the last two decades. 

As if to remind her of its presence, the baby thumps her viciously in the side, and Tess drops the head of broccoli. She reaches back with a hiss, kneading her knuckles into the burgeoning pain spreading along her spine. “Jeez, kid,” she mutters. “Relax already.” She winces; the pain feels like a vice slowly closing down over her hips and back, tightening, tightening, tightening - and then breaking apart.

She puffs out a breath she doesn’t realise she’s holding.

“You wanna take a break?” Ellie asks her, side-stepping in a low crouch to move closer. Her hands are covered in dirt from carefully plucking potatoes from beneath the earth. Overhead, the clouds are rolling in slow and ominous; the gloomy day growing darker as the clouds steadily converge. The smell of ozone is practically crackling in the air, a warning that prickles over Tess’s spine and scalp. 

Curling her lips in tight, Tess shakes her head jerkily. “No, no - we gotta get everything settled. Let’s just - get all the stuff back into the house, okay?”

They work with as much speed and efficiency as they can manage, filling wicker baskets full of potatoes, broccoli, and eggplants. Ellie fits them over Bear’s back with a strap of leather, scratching the dog behind his ear as Bear wags his tail and eagerly trots ahead of them onto the back porch, the wicker baskets on his back and in his jaw rocking slightly.

It’s a struggle, but together they manage to heave Tess to her feet. Tess wobbles slightly, balancing herself with a pinched look of discontent on her face as she presses her hand stiffly at her back. She waves off Ellie’s concern again and nudges the girl along. Ellie beats her back to the house easily; it’s easy for everyone to beat her to anywhere at this point - she’s waddling like a fucking penguin the bigger the baby gets. Tess feels a small bubble of resentment build in her chest, but she squashes it down quickly, widening her strides as if to prove a point.

Ellie’s standing on the back porch waiting for her, petting Bear with one hand as she watches Tess. There’s a strange look on the girl’s face as she stares at the woman, tilting her head thoughtfully as Tess huffs and puffs her way up the steps.

“Your belly looks a little weird,” she says, blinking. “Like different. The shape’s all off.”

Tess rolls her eyes, hating that she can feel her chest and cheeks flush from exertion. “Yeah well, how else is it gonna stick its toes into my ribs?” The baby feels like a boulder inside her, solid and pressing into the bowl of her hips. Each step takes more effort, and Tess struggles to resist the urge to stoop over and clutch the underside of her belly to ease the strain of it. Her legs are nearly trembling from the effort of staying upright; a rivet of pins and needles hover on the periphery of her nerve endings.

She straightens up on the porch, blowing out a heavy breath. “Let’s just sit down,” she says wearily. “I could use a drink.”  _ A stiff drink _ , she wants to say, and the thought of it makes her crave the liquid fire of whiskey warm in her chest. 

She lets out a little wistful sigh, peering down at her belly. “The things I do for you, lil’ bean.”

“C’mon,” Ellie says, pulling the door open with a smile. “I think Joel left us some of that icebox cake Maria made last night.”

Tess’s stomach rumbles at the thought. She glances back at the clouds overhead one last time, pressing her hand over her ribcage. Something niggling and persistent prickles at the back of her mind, stirring in her chest at the thought of where Joel must be - if they’re somewhere with shelter, out of the rain and the winds. If they’ve had a run-in with the scavengers. 

Shaking her head, she shuffles quickly indoors.

_ They’ll be fine _ .


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new year, new life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the cutest and cheesiest thing I've ever written
> 
> YOU'RE WELCOME

They’re in the middle of sharing a slice of icebox cake when someone raps on the front door before swinging it open. Tess looks up as Ellie rounds the counter to meet the person in the hallway. She shakes her head fondly when she hears the delighted squeals coming from Hope as Ellie most likely takes the baby into her arms.

Sure enough, Maria rounds the corner into the kitchen without her daughter.

“Hey.” Maria gives her a wave, and Tess nods at her in reply as she swallows her bite. “How’s the vegetable picking going?”

Tess shrugs, swirling her cloudy lemonade in the glass before taking a sip. “Got most of the ripe stuff picked but there’s still a bunch of ‘em that probably won’t make it through the storm.” She waves her fork at the plate of half-eaten icebox cake. “This is fuckin’ amazing, by the way.”

Maria puffs out a smiling breath. “Thanks. It’s all about the butter.” Pulling out a seat, she helps herself to a glass of lemonade before giving Tess a careful onceover.

Of course, Tess knows exactly what she’s doing. Gritting her teeth, she pointedly returns her attention to the cake, prodding at the edges of it as she waits for the last round of undulating pain to subside from her hips and back. She holds herself stiffly, unwilling to slouch and curl into herself like her body wants to.

“Must be sore from all that vegetable picking,” Maria comments lightly, drumming her fingers on the table. “You wanna go lie down for a bit? Hope needs to go down for her nap anyway. You can stay with her and shut your eyes.”

Tess shakes her head, heaving herself out of her seat with some great effort. She brushes off Maria’s extended hand and makes her way slowly over to the sink. She bites back the urge to grimace, pressing her hand against the place where she can feel the baby’s knees jabbing outwards. Leaning over the sink, she takes a moment to catch her breath, kneading hard at the baby’s limbs until its knees rearrange itself enough for her to breathe again.

Maria appears at her elbow, one hand bracing her steady. “Tess,” she murmurs gently, guiding her back to the table. “Tess, I think you should lie down.”

“‘m fine,” Tess mumbles, blinking back the dizziness lingering at edges of her vision. She sinks down onto the chair heavily, clutching the edge of the table as she heaves out a slow, deep breath. “I just need - a sec.” She squeezes her eyes shut tight, pinching them together so hard she sees spots when she opens them again. 

Maria frowns, opening her mouth to speak again, but Ellie appears in the kitchen doorway with Hope in her arms. 

“Guys,” Ellie says. “I think we need to start getting the windows nailed down.”

Overhead, a slow, deep rumbling spreads across the house. The sky darkens enough to swallow up the shadows on the hardwood, and Hope clings to Ellie uncertainly. An ominous, electric weight begins to creep into the house, creaking under the floorboards that make Bear woof and chuff at it warily. Hope whimpers, and Maria moves quickly to the kitchen to pull the shutters together and lock them. 

“I’ll get the toolbox,” Tess says, moving as quickly as she can out of Ellie and Maria’s reach. She knows they’ll fight her on this, but this is her own house, damn it -- she can do what she damn well pleases. “Ellie, you put Hope upstairs or something with Bear. Somewhere without windows -”

“The basement doesn’t have windows,” Ellie suggests, bouncing Hope in her arms. “Joel and I set up a little like - a little kinda bunker down there. It’s got food and stuff -- and a blanket fort.”

Tess nods. “That’ll do.” She bends to tug the toolbox out from the hallway closet, and when she shuts the door she finds Maria on the other side of it.

“Tess, you need to rest,” Maria counters, reaching for the toolbox. “If experience has taught me anything, it’s trust your body.” She gives Tess a hard look, gesturing to the swollen curve between them. 

Pressing her lips together, Tess clutches the toolbox tight in her grip. “I’m fine,” she says. “Are we gonna stand here and argue about this all day, or are we gonna get shit done?”

Staring at Tess for a long moment, Maria relents with a sigh. “Just - let me carry the damn thing, at least?”

Tess shakes her head. “Get the planks and we’ll start upstairs.”

 

\------

 

She hammers in the last nail into the plank with a huff, leaning back on her heels as she gives the plank and window a shimmy. She wipes at the sweat running down the side of her face, taking a moment to press both her hands into the small of her back. Outside, the rain snarls and howls as it beats down on the house, coming down like a hail of bullets against the windows. She can hardly hear herself think, let alone speak, but most of the windows are nailed down and the doors don’t rattle on their hinges too much. 

The pains have started coming closer together now. Much closer than she’d like to admit - and along with it comes the creeping anxiety and fear of this actually being the real thing. It can’t be, though. It can’t. The doc at the clinic said she wasn’t due for another couple weeks. It’s just nerves, and the fact that she’s been moving around so much.

“That’s the last of ‘em,” Maria announces, dropping the hammer back into the toolbox. The woman steps back to examine their handiwork, nodding in approval before glancing at Tess furtively. “All that’s left to do now is wait out this storm, I guess.”

Tess sighs, rubbing her thumbs into the dimples in her back. “Guess so.”

“Why don’t I make us somethin’ to eat?” Maria suggests. “You can sit downstairs with the girls and I’ll bring us down some soup.” She reaches out and guides Tess towards the stairs, steadily helping the woman down each step, even with Tess scowling at her.

The part that Tess hates the most is that she actually needs the help.

“Jeez, Maria,” she mutters. “I expected this from the old man, but I figured you’d know better.”

Maria chortles. “Yeah, but unlike you, I knew when to take a break.”

Tess presses her lips together, but doesn’t push the subject. She knows the efforts Maria and Tommy had gone through to have Hope, and she remembers the pale, wan smiles and glazed looks on their faces when Maria would be excused from extensive physical duties. By the time Hope came along, all of the townsfolk were fluttering around Maria. Tess remembers that Maria was hardly allowed on her feet for more than a few hours, if at all. 

The very thought of being smothered so makes her skin crawl.

With some effort, Tess eases herself down onto the lumpy old couch and tries not to be so obvious with her relief. The pain in her back has only multiplied through the day, and the standing on her feet for so long as only made the pain blindingly acute along her spine. She kneads one fist against the notches of her spine listlessly. Outside, the rain turns everything into white noise like a television, obscured and drowned out by rain and wind that blows it sideways. It’s all grey and black to her, and the strike of thunder and lightning lashing across the sky shakes the house down to its foundations.

She winces when the baby kicks her, hard, and she rubs her hand soothingly over her belly. “‘s alright,” she murmurs quietly. “It’s just a little rain.” She pushes herself up with great effort, bracing herself against the back of the couch.

Something roils deep inside her, and Tess’s grip on the couch whitens. She blows out a breath, puffing it out in a choke, and when she smooths her fingers over her belly again, they are trembling. “Easy there,” she says shakily. 

Lightning cracks across the sky again, and Tess startles violently. Something clenches tight inside her, a knot of pain building in her belly, and Tess keels over around her stomach.

Thunder bursts around the house; something breaks.

She braces a hand under her belly and fights back the urge to groan loudly. There’s an overwhelming tightness, building and building and building and then --

“Jesus,” she gasps, dropping to her knees just as a flood of water gushes from between her legs. The pressure eases off in a great wave, and Tess sucks in a gulping breath in relief. 

And then she screams.

 

\-------

It’s a pain that cuts through her like no other.

She’s suffered from knives, guns, broken bottles, concrete; even rotten, mouldering teeth - and yet Tess feels like her entire body is tearing itself apart from the inside. For all of the relief that her water breaking had brought her, the pains come in tenfold, seizing up through her back and spreading outwards into the tips of her limbs.

She slumps backwards against the couch helplessly, one hand cradling the roiling swell of her belly even as she screams. The copper tang of blood and fluids permeates the ozone-thick air, and Tess pulls her hand back from between her legs to see a faint smear of fluids and blood on her fingers.

“M’ria!” she yells, choked and keening. “M-Maria - the baby -”

Footsteps pound across the hardwood floor, and somewhere in the house, Bear barks worriedly. Maria appears in front of Tess with a skid, breathless and frantic. Her eyes go wide at the sight of Tess on the ground, the puddle at her feet and soaked into her clothes. “Oh  _ fu _ -” She rushes over, bundling Tess into her arms. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in labour?!” Maria shrieks.

“I gotta - gotta get - t’ th’bed,” Tess pants, gritting her teeth hard and grimacing as her body wrenches again. “Agh - n-need -  _ fuck  _ \--” her nails sink into Maria’s arms and shoulders, and her eyes go wide and glazed with agony. “ _ Fuck  _ s-something’s -- p-pushing down -”

“Don’t push,” Maria tells her quickly. “Don’t push, just breathe through it. You’re not gonna be dilated all the way yet.” They stagger heavily upright, Tess leaning most of her weight into the blonde, and Maria eases her down onto the couch gently.

Amidst the pain swimming in and out of her mind, Tess vaguely registers Maria calling out to Ellie. She’d almost forgotten that the girl was still there. The pains gripping her belly give her very little time to think about anything else, and Tess makes a strangled wail when a particularly ruthless stab of agony lances down her spine.

She finds a belt between her teeth very suddenly, and Tess bites down without question. When she’s done riding through the latest contraction, she unclenches her jaw, sees the white dents of her teeth on the leather. She looks up at Maria helplessly.

“Don’t bite your tongue,” Maria says, and then Ellie bursts into the room, gasping for breath and switchblade in hand.

“I heard screaming!” she says, eyes darting to Tess. Her eyes blow even wider, horror and realisation washing the colour from her face. “Oh  _ shit _ .”

Tess lets her head fall back against the couch, exhaustion trembling in her bones. “Someone do  _ something _ ,” she whines, her voice low and strained. Her brows pull together tight, her lips press into a thin white line. “I’m t-trying not to  _ push _ .”

Maria turns to Ellie, face grim and urgent. “Get hot water and all the towels you have. Bring a pair of scissors if you have them.” She looks behind Ellie to the doorway. “Where’s Hope?” she asks.

“Downstairs still,” Ellie tells her, sucking in a gulping breath. “She fell asleep.” Wide, green eyes stare at Tess, searching the woman’s face for reassurance, and Tess gives her a curt nod.

“I’ll be - right back.” She turns on her heels and bolts through the doorway again.

Maria turns back to Tess, yanking all of the pillows and cushions off the couch. There’s a stern furrow in her brow, a steely look of determination in her blue eyes as she eases Tess off the couch and onto the floor. “Let’s get you comfortable. It’s gonna be a long night.”

Tess melts down onto the cushions, all of her body coiled tight and fighting the building hurt inside her. The tendons in her neck stand out like cords, the veins in her arms are almost frighteningly green and blue under her pale and clammy skin. At some point, she manages to get her pants off, and Maria is quick to cover her from belly to toes with a blanket. 

“I’m gonna need to check how dilated you are,” Maria says, kneeling between her legs. Tess looks at her through half-lidded eyes fogged with pain, but presses her lips together and nods.

She hisses when she feels it, curling her fingers deep into the carpet.

Maria’s face does not soothe her in the slightest.

“You idiot,” the blonde says. “You should’ve told me you were having contractions.”

Tess blinks away the sweat dripping into her eyes, sucking in another sharp breath and letting it out in a long puff when the next contraction hits her. “Can we please focus on the -  _ fuck  _ \- the f-fact that I’ve got a b-owling ball trying to claw out of me?!”

“You should’ve rested like I told you,” Maria persists, even as Ellie’s stumbling up to them, cradling a large basin of steaming hot water carefully.

“I-is she gonna be okay?” Ellie asks, hovering anxiously by Tess’s side. She spills down onto the floor beside Tess, reaching forward to dab tentatively at the woman’s sweaty forehead with a towel. “You need anything?” The storm outside rages on, and when it crashes viciously against the house, Maria looks up.

She takes a deep breath, and looks at Ellie calmly. “Go downstairs and keep an eye on Hope, okay? This is gonna get messy.” 

Tess lets out another groan, and Ellie pales substantially when Maria’s hands come up streaked in fluids. She doesn’t protest, but she brushes Tess’s hair back gently, whispering little promises and apologies that the woman only seems to be half-aware of. 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Ellie whispers soothingly. “I’m just gonna -”

“Go to Hope,” Tess puffs, smiling shakily at the girl. “Keep an eye on the kid. I’m f-fine.” She grits her teeth against another contraction, but for Ellie’s sake, she keeps in the scream that builds in her throat.

She looks at Maria pleadingly. “Can’t I push yet?”

Maria glances at Ellie sharply, and waits until the girl staggers off down the hall before looking back at Tess with a grave frown. “You’re not fully dilated yet.” Her hand rests on Tess’s knee, squeezing gently. “If you push now, you’ll wear yourself out.”

Tess sucks in a breath, unable to fight the sob that comes after. “B-but I feel it -- it keeps pushing d-down --”

A troubled look flickers across Maria’s face, and eventually the blonde nods. “We need to get you moving,” she tells Tess. “Walking around will help with the pain and speed things up.” She pulls the blankets down over Tess’s legs and moves to help the woman upright.

Tess shakes her head, biting down on her own lip so hard that Maria has to wrench her jaw open. “My back!” she sobs, opening wide and unseeing eyes to the ceiling. “S-something’s --”

“On your knees,” Maria says urgently, turning Tess over quickly. “The baby’s pressing up against your spine.” She helps Tess to kneel onto a bundle of cushions and towels, kneading her steady hands into the small of Tess’s back. 

Tess whimpers in relief, sagging down onto her hands and knees as the pressure on her spine suddenly lifts; she feels like she can breathe again. She stays that way for a long while, rocking on her knees and sucking in low, gasping breaths as Maria kneads and rubs at her back. The pressure is still  _ there _ , but the agony of it has dialed down to something nearly bearable. She vaguely registers Maria wiping at her face again, murmuring to her quietly.

A vicious slash of lightning illuminates the room, and with a deafening crack, everything goes black.

“ _ Shit _ .” Maria’s grip on her tightens, and Bear starts barking from somewhere in the house. “Fuck.”

The power’s cut out, and Tess stares hard into the dark to make out the moving silhouette and shadows of Maria. Engulfed in darkness, she feels most exposed; vulnerable to everything and nothing all at once - her belly wrenches, as if the baby knows, and she reaches one trembling hand down to soothe it.

In another moment, the lights flicker and crackle, and everything is illuminated once more.

Maria yanks her walkie talkie off her hip, all but snarling into it. “What the  _ hell  _ is going on out there?! Who’s watching the backup generators?”

A tinny voice crackles back, coming through in fragments. “ _ Power…-ut out...crew…-ack _ ”

Maria’s brows furrow deeply. “You’re cutting out, over.”

It’s another minute of static, and Tess feels her heart clench for an entirely different reason as she stares into Maria’s face beseechingly. Maria looks at her with lips pressed tight, her hand steady on Tess’s back. “Frank, do you copy, over.”

Another man’s voice comes through, this time very familiar. “ _ M’ria…’s Tommy…-couting crew...power’s cut out…-tryna get it steady -- _ ”

“Tommy.” Maria’s relief is palpable. “Tommy, get Joel back over here. Tess is in labour.”

“ _...-ome through...hear me… _ ”

“Tommy!” Maria barks. “Tommy, do you copy, over? Tess is in  _ labour _ .”

“ _...storm’s…-ough...Joel…injured… _ ”

Maria’s breath hitches, and she gives Tess a hard look when Tess whimpers. “Peaches, Tommy. Do you understand me?” She glares at the walkie talkie, as if daring it to fail her now. “ _ Peaches _ .”

The hiss of the static in the air is almost menacing.

“... _ copy that _ .”

Tess crumples onto her side, and Maria tosses the radio aside to go to her. “That idiot,” she gasps, curling around her belly with another merciless contraction. “Should’ve known he’d - get himself into trouble.”

“Pot, kettle, black,” Maria sighs, tucking a pillow between Tess’s knees and rubbing over her spine again. “You’re both awful.” The shifting in Tess’s belly seems less intense, and her brow smooths somewhat as Maria dips the end of a towel into the water and wets her lips.

Tess licks her lips and tastes blood. She must’ve bitten down at some point. For another moment, she groans and grunts and puffs through a series of contractions, pausing once to stare at her belly in horror when its shape moves. Maria remains unphased through it, dabbing her cheeks and kneading her back while reminding Tess how much of an idiot she was for not telling them sooner.

“You’re worse than Joel,” Tess grumbles, gritting her teeth and hissing as the baby moves lower into the birth canal. “M-much worse. I hate him. I hate  _ you _ .”

“Hey, I’m not the one who knocked you up,” Maria says placidly. “I’m just here, being the good guy and taking care of you.”

Tess smiles mirthlessly, pressing her face into the pillows and wishing that she didn’t want Joel here as badly as she did. Everything is happening too fast; too much is going on around them for her to even focus on her body. Her baby is coming -  _ their  _ baby is coming, and Joel is lost somewhere in the middle of a fucking storm. Joel’s lost in a storm and he might be  _ hurt _ .

“You should be checking on Ellie and Hope,” she tells Maria, but the blonde seems confident in the teen’s abilities of keeping her daughter safe. A niggling cloud of worry lingers at the back of Tess’s mind about Ellie; she doesn’t think Ellie needs to witness a birth, but a selfish part of Tess wishes the kid could be there with her.

“Neither one of them are the ones in labour,” Maria replies. “Here --” she holds out the belt again, nudging it at Tess. “Keep this in your mouth in case you need to bite down. You’re gonna bite off your tongue when the baby starts crowning.”

Tess huffs, but accepts the belt wordlessly. She  _ feels  _ ready to push, like there’s something burgeoning and straining forth from her body, and when the pains start to white out her vision, she flails out a hand to Maria.

“Now,” she gulps, rolling up to her knees with great effort. “Now.”

Maria’s face pales somewhat, but she does her best to school her features. “Alright.” She gives Tess another pillow, something else to hold on to, and then she moves down between Tess’s knees. Tess twitches when she feels Maria check her again, but the pressure building low in her hips distracts her enough. 

“You’re there,” Maria announces, and Tess drops her head in relief. “You can push.”

With newfound determination and vigour, Tess grits her teeth and bears down. The pressure eases, and Tess keeps pushing and pushing until her vision spots and her ears start to ring. 

“Ease off! You’re gonna pass out if you don’t take a breath.”

Tess stops pushing, and all at once she feels her lungs flood with air. She blinks to clear her vision, and rocks back on her knees listlessly.

“Don’t push without a contraction,” Maria tells her patiently. “Just take your time and feel it. Ride it out and push when you feel the contraction come, then stop and rest. You keep pushing the whole time, you’ll just wear yourself down.”

Tess presses her lips together and nods. It’s not as if she’s ever had experience in this; she has no fucking clue what her body wants her to do, but she knows better than to question Maria at this point. So she waits, rocking from knee to knee and leaning on her hands when her belly starts to tighten. It feels rock solid, the muscles roiling and clenching, and Tess groans as she pushes.

She lets out a strangled wail. A great, burning spreads from between her legs; like fire and bullets and alcohol doused on a fresh wound. “W-what the hell is that?!”

“You’re crowning,” Maria tells her, sounding a little amused. “It’s called the Ring of Fire.”

Tess chokes out another sob, pressing her face into the pillows and biting down hard into the belt. Tears are streaming down her face, sweat and tears combined as she screams and wails and feels her entire being split apart.

Maria gasps quietly, and Tess whimpers in confusion. “Well,” Maria breathes, sounding like she’s choking back tears herself. “Explains why you had such bad heartburn.”

“W-wh -?”

“Your kid’s got a whole head of hair,” Maria tells her, and Tess lets out a delirious little laugh.

A loud crash of thunder startles them, and then the front is flung open so hard it bounces off the wall. Maria and Tess look up, and against the backdrop of pounding rain and flashing lightning, they see Joel’s silhouette. He’s heaving each breath like an overworked horse, drenched to the bone from the rain, but the whites of his eyes are clear.

His eyes dart from Maria to Tess. “ _ Tessa _ .”

Tess drops her head and screams.

“The head’s through!” Maria shouts, and Joel all but collapses down by Tess’s side. “Jeez, look at all that  _ hair _ -”

“Tessa.” His hands are all over her at once, touching her hair, stroking her skin, cupping her cheek and staring at her with unbridled fear. He’s dripping rainwater all over her, puddling under his knees, but Tess just leans into his touch, keening and sobbing. “‘s okay, sweetheart. ‘s alright, I’m here now -”

“Y-you’re hurt,” Tess pants. She can smell blood on his hands, amidst the earth and rain and sweat. She opens her eyes to look at him, but her vision is too clouded by tears and pain for her to focus.

He presses a soft kiss to her cheek, his fingers trembling as they smooth through her hair. “‘m right here, Tess. I’m just fine.” He drops one hand and squeezes hers, looking into her eyes earnestly. “You look at me, you focus right here, okay? You’re doin’ just fine.”

Tess squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, her face shuttering and roiling from a mask of agony to confusion and helplessness, and then steely determination. She bares her teeth and keens, bearing down hard when Maria shouts at her to push, and the damp heat of Joel’s presence grounds her into the moment.

His hand is solid and heavy and warm, braced against the back of her neck. 

She opens her eyes, bright and gleaming and sharp. He’s kneeling before her now, eyes just as bright, staring into her very soul as he leans their foreheads together and murmurs to her words that she can hardly make sense of. 

“I’m here,” she hears. “You’re doin’ alright. I’m here.”

That is enough.

Her world narrows down to a pinpoint; to him, to Joel. To the weight of his hand on her skin, the heat of his breath against her cheek and the smell of him when she buries her face into his shoulder. Nothing else matters in this moment. Nothing but Joel, and their baby.

The rest of the contractions barely register now, lost within a fog, a fugue state of an out-of-body experience as Maria chants and shouts something from between her legs. Joel rumbles something back, and Tess feels her spine arch as she gives one last heave. She sucks in a breath and bears down, feels the weight in her belly lift.

She collapses forward into Joel’s arms, weak and bloodless, and Joel cradles her to him like a child. He strokes and soothes her, stroking her back and wiping her face. 

A gurgling, mewling wail fills the room, and Tess feels her heart splitting open.

“Tessa,” Joel mumbles, thick and caught in his throat. “Tess, look.”

Trembling, Tess turns over in his arms, staring at Maria as she cradles a squirming,  _ large  _ bundle. It’s kicking and wailing, slick with blood and fluids and choking on its own breaths, but it is alive. It’s breathing, and it’s their child.

Maria looks up at them with a smile, tears in her eyes. “Congratulations. You have a baby boy.”

Whimpering, Tess reaches her arms out, and as soon as the baby is placed in her arms, she bursts into tears. She cradles him close, reaching with trembling fingers to stroke over his little delicate nose, his serious brow and chubby cheeks. She feels at a loss for words; there’s nothing she  _ can  _ say - she’s just had a baby. She just gave birth to this beautiful little life, this handsome little boy who grew in her belly and fought through a long summer to be born. 

The baby whimpers, scrunching up his little button nose, but he opens bleary eyes and looks up at her. He reaches out, and Tess lets him cling onto her finger. Held close to her, the baby calms, as if recognising the sound of his mother’s heartbeat, the scent of her skin. He cuddles in close, snuffling and whimpering, and Tess nuzzles her face desperately into his dark head of hair.

“Look at him, Joel,” Tess whispers, breathless awe in her words.

Joel reaches out hesitantly, cupping the delicate bowl of his son’s head in one large hand. “Looks like you,” he chokes, bending down to press such a gentle kiss on their son’s head. “Looks just like his Mama.”

There is not an inch of the baby that isn’t Joel. From the serious curve of his brow, his frowning lips, and even his ears.

“He looks like his daddy,” she whispers, and from beside her, she hears a hitch in Joel’s breath.

Tentatively, Joel reaches out, his fingers large and delicate against the baby’s tiny button nose. “‘s got your nose, for sure,” he murmurs, thick and full of something she can’t name. The baby wriggles at the sound of his voice, little eyebrows lifting curiously, and Joel lets out a wet little laugh.

“Hey, little man,” he croons, softer than Tess has ever heard him. “Hey, baby boy.”

The baby lets out a very big yawn, blinking bleary eyes up at him.

“Tess,” Maria says, touching her knee. “You’re gonna need to deliver the placenta.”

Tess presses her lips together. It only occurs to her then that she can still feel the faint rippling of contractions inside her, significantly less powerful than before. With utmost care, she delicately transfers the baby into Joel’s waiting arms.

She takes a moment to look at them - Joel, speechless and enamoured and utterly taken by his newborn son, so small in his arms. The love she sees on his face stirs the well of emotions caught in her throat, and Tess feels her eyes sting with tears again. She turns away quickly, concentrates on the undulating pain in her belly as she delivers the heavy, blood-filled sac from her body. She slumps back with a groan, heaving as Maria bundles the bloody pile of towels away, and Joel is there beside her immediately, brushing her hair back and murmuring to her again.

“He needs a name,” Joel whispers, lips warm and soft against her cool forehead. “You got a name for your baby boy, Mama?”

Tess’s fingers ghost over the dark tuft of hair, the round cheeks growing flushed with life the more breath he takes. She searches her recent memories for the names they’d thought of together; tangled in sheets and slurring from sleep. Names she remembers writing a list of, but for the life of her now, she can’t remember any of them.

Except one.

The name that came to the forefront of her mind the moment she laid eyes on the boy.

“Ray.” She looks down at their son, whispering it almost like prayer. The baby squirms, forehead wrinkling as he opens his bleary eyes and looks out at them as if he’s known all along. 

“His name is Ray,” Tess says, choking on the swell of warmth growing in her chest. “Ray Lee Miller — h-how’s that sound?”

Joel kisses her long and soft on the cheek, and Tess feels something warm and wet drip against her skin. “Perfect,” he breathes, emotions bleeding through the word. “Absolutely perfect.” He shifts against her, one hand fumbling down over his pockets, groping for something Tess can’t see.

She watches him worriedly; is it a wound? She can still smell blood in the air, thick and clotted and raw, but they’ve both bled so much.

With a trembling hand, Joel produces something like corded leather, gripped tight in his hand. His cheeks flush dark, and Joel mumbles low and shy. “Got you somethin’. Didn’t — know when to give it to ya.”

He moves behind her again, bracing her against his chest as he reaches around with two hands. Tess leans forward obligingly when she feels warm metal and soft corded leather touch her skin. She looks down at her chest and gasps.

A dragonfly ring, the colour of burnished brass with eyes of foggy emerald. Curled with head-to-tail and wings outstretched, and Tess reaches to touch it with trembling fingers.

“You don’t gotta answer right away,” he whispers, low and croaking, the words caught in his throat. “We never do anythin’ the regular way anyway. I just — I want ya to know I’ve always —”

She yanks him forward by the collar, kissing him hard and messy and full of teeth. Cradled against her chest, Ray squirms and dozes, one hand curling against the wings of the dragonfly.


End file.
